About the twelfth year of my age, my father being abroad, my mother reproved me for some misconduct, to which I made an undutiful reply; and the next first-day, as I was with my father returning from meeting, he told me he understood I had behaved amiss to my mother, and advised me to be more careful in future. I knew myself blamable, and in shame and confusion remained silent. Being thus awakened to a sense of my wickedness, I felt remorse in my mind, and getting home, I retired and prayed to the Lord to forgive me; and I do not remember that I ever, after that, spoke unhandsomely to either of my parents, however foolish in some other things.
Having attained the age of sixteen, I began to love wanton company and though I was preserved from profane language or scandalous conduct, still I perceived a plant in me which produced much wild grapes. Yet my merciful Father forsook me not utterly, but at times, through His grace, I was brought seriously to consider my ways; and the sight of my backsliding affected me with sorrow: but for want of rightly attending to the reproofs of instruction, vanity was added to vanity, and repentance. Upon the whole, my mind was more and more alienated from the truth, and I hastened towards destruction. While I meditate on the gulf towards which I traveled, and reflect on my youthful disobedience, my heart is affected with sorrow.
Thus time passed on, my heart was replenished with mirth and wantonness, while pleasing scenes of vanity were presented to my imagination, till I attained the age of eighteen years, near which time I felt the judgments of God in my soul like a consuming fire, and looking over my past life, the prospect was moving. I was often sad, and longed to be delivered from those vanities; then again my heart was strongly inclined to them, and there was in me a sore conflict. At times I turned to folly, and then again sorrow and confusion took hold of me. In a while, I resolved totally to leave off some of my vanities, but there was a secret reserve in my heart, of the more refined part of them, and I was not low enough to find true peace. Thus for some months, I had great troubles and disquiet, there remaining in me an unsubjected will, which rendered my labors fruitless, till at length, through the merciful continuance of heavenly visitations, I was made to bow down in spirit before the most High. I remember one evening I had spent some time in reading a pious author, and walking out alone, I humbly prayed to the Lord for His help, that I might be delivered from those vanities which so ensnared me. Thus, being brought low, He helped me, and as I learned to bear the cross, I felt refreshment to come from His presence: but not keeping in that strength which gave victory, I lost ground again, the sense of which greatly afflicted me; and I sought deserts and lonely places, and there with tears did confess my sins to God, and humbly craved help of Him. And I may say with reverence, He was near to me in my troubles, and in those times of humiliation opened my ear to discipline.
Excerpt From Journal By John Woolman
［参考译文］
年轻时代的三个阶段
约翰·伍尔曼
我12岁那年，父亲出差国外，母亲因为我的过错屡加责备，我因此也常常顶撞。刚满13岁那天，我和开会归来的父亲待在一起，他告诉我，他知道我对母亲出言不逊，建议我今后做事要更加认真小心。我知道自己应该受到责罚，羞愧难当，不知所措，沉默不语。意识到曾经对母亲所做出的种种不敬行为，我内心充满懊悔，回到家，我缩到一旁，向上帝祈祷，希望得到宽恕；这件事情之后，在我的记忆中，不管我在做其他事情时怎么愚蠢，但再没有以桀骜不驯的口气和父亲或者母亲说话。
16岁的时候，我开始结交朋友，与其为伴；虽然我不讲脏话，也不做诽谤他人的事，但是我心中仍然有一棵树苗，结出了许多野葡萄。然而，我仁慈的父亲并没有彻底地放弃我，他以身为范，而且时不时地让我感知恩赐，我得以严肃地反省自己的种种行径；一想起自己的恣意妄为，我就满心悲伤：为了正确而用心地对待父母的教诲，我的虚荣心日益膨胀，悔意俱增。总之，我的内心日益远离真理，我很快崩溃了。当我在旅游观光的海湾沉思之际，回想起自己年少时的叛逆轻狂，悲伤涌上心头。
光阴荏苒，每当我幻想着逍遥无度的时光，内心就充满了欢愉，直到18岁时，我才感到上帝的审判在我心中有如一团燃烧的火焰，审视着我过往的岁月，这种景象一直伴随着我。我常常伤心痛苦，希望从这些虚荣自负的情境中得以解脱；而我的心则再一次强烈地受到牵引，内心充满了痛苦的情感冲突。有时我会干些傻事，悲伤和困惑就会再次牵绊着我。偶尔，我会下定决心抛弃虚荣心，但是内心有个隐秘的仓库，储存着更多久经考验的自负情绪，我不够谦卑，无法找寻到真正的祥和宁静。几经数月，我面临重重困难，难以静心，心中有一股倔强的意志，使得我所有的付出都化作枉然，直到最后，上天祸福不断，我才得以从精神上屈从于万能的上帝。我记得有天晚上我花了点时间阅读了一位虔诚的作者的作品，之后独自漫步庭外，我谦恭地向上帝寻求指点，这样我才能从深受困扰的虚荣心中得以解脱。因此，在我失去财富与地位时，上帝帮助了我；在我学会背负苦难时，我感觉在上帝面前获得了重生：但是因为没有保持带来胜利的力量，我再一次失去了支点，这种感觉深深地折磨着我；我要求接受惩罚，并寻找人迹罕至之地，在那里，我泪流满面地向上帝忏悔自己的种种罪过，卑微地祈求上帝的帮助。现在，我可以满怀敬意地说，当我身陷困境时，上帝就在我身边，还使我留心在那些遭受羞辱的日子里所接受的教诲。
［注释］
-wanton [ˈwɒntən] adj. 荒唐的，嬉戏的 undisciplined; spoiled; frolicsome
wanton company : 朋友
profane language : 污言秽语
merciful Father : 仁慈的主
-repentance [rɪˈpentəns] n. 悔恨 remorse or contrition for past conduct or sin
a consuming fire : 熊熊燃烧的大火
the Most High : 上帝，主
bear the cross : 承受痛苦、悲伤等