理查德·斯梯尔(Richard Steele)
The first sense of sorrow I ever knew was upon the death of my father, at which time I was not quite five years of age; but was rather amazed at what all the house meant, than possessed with a real understanding why nobody was willing to play with me. I remember I went into the room where his body lay, and my mother sat weeping alone by it. I had my battledore in my hand, and fell beating the coffin, and calling Papa; for, I know not how, I had some slight idea that he was locked up there. My mother caught me in her arms, and, transported beyond all patience of the silent grief she was before in, she almost smothered me in her embraces; and told me in a flood of tears , “Papa could not hear me, and would play with me no more, for they were going to put him under ground, whence he could never come to us again.” She was a very beautiful woman, of a noble spirit, and there was a dignity in her grief amidst all the wildness of her transport ; which, methought, struck me with an instinct of sorrow, that, before I was sensible of what it was to grieve, seized my very soul, and has made pity the weakness of my heart ever since. The mind in infancy is, methinks, like the body in embryo ; and receives impressions so forcible , that they are as hard to be removed by reason, as any mark with which a child is born is to be taken away by any future application. Hence it is, that good-nature in me is no merit; but having been so frequently overwhelmed with her tears before I knew the cause of any affliction, or could draw defences from my own judgment, I imbibed commiseration , remorse, and an unmanly gentleness of mind, which has since insnared me into ten thousand calamities; and from whence I can reap no advantage, except it be, that, in such a humour as I am now in, I can the better indulge myself in the softnesses of humanity, and enjoy that sweet anxiety which arises from the memory of past afflictions.
- smother [ˈsmʌðə] v. 使……透不过气来
in a float of tears 泪如泉涌
amidst all the wildness of her transport 情不自禁
- embryo [ˈembrɪəʊ] n. 胚胎
- forcible [ˈfɔːsəbl] a. 强烈的，强有力的
- commiseration [kəˌmɪzəˈreɪʃn] n. 怜悯，同情
- insnare/ensnare [ɪnˈsneə] v. 诱惑，陷入……圈套之中
我平生最初感受到的悲痛是在我父亲去世的时候，当时我还不足五岁，但是对整个屋子的气氛感到很诧异，而没有真正理解为什么没有人愿意跟我玩。我记得自己进了那个屋子，他的遗体放在那里，妈妈在旁边独自哭泣着。我手拿着羽毛球拍，开始敲打棺材，边敲打，边喊爸爸；我不知道怎么办，我隐约觉得他被锁在里面。妈妈用双臂抱住了我，带头超越了原先所有暗自哀伤的那份耐心，差一点把我拥抱得窒息，热泪滚滚地说，爸爸听不到我说话了，不能再和我玩了，因为他们要把他埋到地下，他再也不能来到我们这里了。她是个非常美的女人，有着崇高的精神，在极度哀伤之中还不失尊严；正是这一点，我以为，打动了我悲痛的本能，在我还没有意识到什么是哀伤之前，这种悲痛揪住了我的心灵，此后使得我内心的脆弱成了终身遗憾。我以为，幼儿时期的头脑，跟胚胎中的身体一样；接受的印象非常强烈，要把这种印象用说理去除，其难度就和此后任何的治疗手段都去除不了出生时的胎记那样。因此，情况就是，我的好脾性根本不是什么优点；但是，母亲的泪水频频使我哀伤悲戚，而我还不知道她痛苦的原因，也没能够根据自己的判断而忍受感情上的折磨。我吸收了怜悯、悔恨和头脑里没有男子汉气概的柔情，从此使我陷入了无数次的灾难之中，从中一无所获，除了现在这样的性情。我更易于沉溺在仁慈柔情之中，欣赏那种甜蜜的焦虑，那些焦虑起源于既往蒙受痛苦的记忆。